By all means, watch how you cut your meat!!!

In this article retrieved from Yahoo! Hotjobs, Maria Hanson details tricks that employers are using in an ever-tight job market. There was an interesting point about watching the candidates eat, and how one company passed on a candidate based on the way he cut his meat.

On the surface, nothing new here. Employers do go to extreme lengths to ensure they invest the right type of human capital. They go to FaceBook, Myspace and Twitter. Meat cutting was bound to be the next frontier.

Of course, a standardized chart of demerits is in order. Here's one that churches can use:

Different sock color: 3 demerits (color blindness won't fly in ministry).

Shirt unbuttoned to navel with unsightly chest hair: 5 demerits (denotes habitual errors in judgment)

Shirt unbuttoned to navel without unsightly chest hair: 7 demerits (no chest hair? Then why are you doing it?).

Lack of knowledge of John 3:16: PEIN***

Any use of the terms "outside-the-box," "donuts" or "urban": 10 demerits. (if "urban" is used 3 or more times, PEIN; candidate has been watching too much BET).

Plays with light switch when left alone: 5 demerits. (I refuse to budge on this, so don't ask).

Long, dangling Jesus faux bling hanging from neck: PEIN

Saying the word "bling" at any point during the interview: 30 demerits. (Hip-hop auditions are across town, doofus).

Sir Mix-a-Lot ringtone: 30 demerits and immediate prayer

Maranatha Singers ringtone: PEIN. (Same as bringing Jesus, in person, to the interview. Simply too good to be true).

Gang signs shown by reflex: 0 demerits (what? For all I know, you'll blame me for the non-offer, and then I get hunted. Figure it out).

Cutting meat in the wrong fashion: 10 demerits plus counseling by elder board on the off chance you are hired (look, I know this is supposed to be really bad, but I figure it could be much worse).

Lewd comments: PEIN (and call 911).

I am sure the meat cutting can be applied to a host of different situations. Now, instead of scouting games, I could simply trail an opposing coach secretly to watch him/her eat at his favorite steak house for insight into his/her game plan. Or, predict how my wife is feeling by how she wields a fork and knife... wait a second... scratch that. Why give her a knife?




***PEIN denotes "Please end interview NOW!"